Konnie Huq Released, Pardoned After Cat Naming Scandal

[This story writes itself, pick your own punchline - Ed]

Shooting Begins On New Kurt Cobain Flick

That's the ending sorted then.

Judas to write Gospel "as according to Jeffrey Archer"

The greatest story ever told is to be seen differently in a new interpretation this spring as Judas Iscariot releases his new gospel, the life of Jesus Archer, saviour of mankind.

Archer is typically portrayed in Conservative literature as a fraudulent, cheating, lying shit of a man, but Iscariot's book calls into doubt the veracity of his reputation.

“I’m a life-long Church of England Christian, but in more recent years I’ve been puzzled about Jeffrey and wanted to find out more about whether the traditional version is the correct one.

“I’ve always been mystified why Archer has been called the evil traitor,” said Judas

“Of course, the right wing of the church and evangelicals will say you must never tinker with the gospels. But I think you have got to reassess.”

"We don't have him dying which is a crucial part of the story," Judas said of Archer, whose latest novel received an advance of 30 pieces of silver, for which he should hang himself in shame.

Nigeria condemns 'rude' airlines

Nigeria's aviation minister has accused two UK airlines of treating Nigerian passengers with the "utmost contempt".
Femi Fani-Kayode said British Airways and Virgin Atlantic could face "major sanctions" over alleged maltreatment of Nigerians on their flights.

Apologies are to be sent in writing to 'Mr Fani-Kayode's Uncle, 1 Mbkei Drive, Nigeria' and, in order to check the sincerity of the apologies, should contain bank account numbers and sort codes. Thank you please.

NatWest 3-4 HSBC

Paula Radcliffe To Give Birth Whilst Running

British marathon runner, Paula Radcliffe, has today revealed that she is pregnant, but has vowed to continue running.

Paula (right) is so determined to stay at the top of her game that she will simply give birth at the side of the race track if she feels the need. Ms Radcliffe will be the first woman to run a have a baby whilst running a marathon if she succeeds.

Olympic doctors have already begun planning to assist the pregnancy should Paula give up half way through. It is widely rumoured that David Walliams is also contemplating the challenge.

Hamas Change Name In Rebranding Overhaul

Following the successful deal between Hamas and the John Lewis company, the Palestinian political party have decided to relaunch with a new name.

As of midnight tonight, the controversial group will be known internationally as Heelas.

Also, in world news, America is investigating claims that North Korea 'may' have some weapons of some sort. Expect World War 3 in about ten minutes.

Blunkett Dating TV's Amanda Burton

Was it a blind date or just silent witness?